Learning To Lose Myself (And Some Linky Love!)

My long-suffering husband said to me yesterday: "You need to find yourself."

I replied: "No, I need to lose myself."

After yesterday's post I have decided to really take a look at what it truly means to lose myself. I don't want to escape my life, I want to embrace it and be joyful. I want the hard stuff to push me and stretch me towards being more like Jesus. I want my children to see the value in persevering in grace, love, patience, and forgiveness. I want them to see a woman who wouldn't trade staying home with them for the world, not because she has to to fill some role, but because it is a blessing to do so. A smile on my face sometimes fades in the midst of it all, but I don't want the smile in my heart to ever fade.

More to come on this topic next week.

Now for some link love!

Articles worth the read:

I'm Droppin' Babies Like Hot Rhymes

7 Ideas for Teaching Toddlers God's Word

A Time For Work And A Time For Play

Stressed-out Momma! I Need A Break!

Favorite Books That Describe Life-giving Homes

Dave Ramsey’s Town Hall For Hope Review

Dessert Memories (yum-o recipes, 80's pics, and a link up!)

Blogs I am loving:

Eat At Home, Everyday Food For Busy People

Our Homeschool, Living, Loving, Learning As A Family

A Cause Worth Pursuing:

Stay updated with Like A Warm Cup Of Coffee by subscribing here!

Who's Sick?

I am.

Blech.....

While I'm out, here are some articles from the blogosphere that I've enjoyed this week:

Lisa's One Year Blogaversary Party - lot's of prizes

"It's finally officially my Blogaversary!!! Woo Hoo!!! Welcome! Let the party begin!"

Joyous Passover For Little Ones - Great ideas for celebrating passover with your family

"This week we celebrate how God has freed us from our slavery to sin.
We celebrate that He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
We celebrate the magnificent fact that because we are covered by Jesus’ blood, Death has passed over us and has no sting."

What A Waste

"A number of years ago someone asked me, I don't remember who it was exactly, "Why don't you have a job?"I replied without thinking, "Because I'm not stupid."...What if I were to be so drained from pouring my life out for someone else's dream that I had no more time and energy for such foolish, "meaningless" things?"

His rib

"As a wife and the closest person on earth to him, you decide what kind of existence he will have. If he will enjoy his life at home or will he avoid his home altogether."

The S.W.A.K. Carnival!

*I'm over at Is This Modest today, so if you have time, drop by and say, "hi!"

I may be a little bit late for the Kiss Challenge....

But it's never to late to kiss! So, in honor of the S.W.A.K. carnival, I am showcasing three of my favorite kissing pictures! Yes, I realize in the second picture we are a little off, but I'm sure we managed to get it right at some point!

Now I'll share with you with our love story...

It all began one fall evening when I was a freshman in college. I was at a "Nav Night" (a time of fellowship and worship with an on campus ministry group, the Navigators) when a friend introduced me to her younger brother. He was 17 (and in high school), I was 19. It was a very brief introduction - more like a blip on the radar screen of our love story. He doesn't even remember, but I do.

Fast forward to my Junior year of college. I was going on a missions trip to Memphis TN with the Navigators. My friend was also going...and so was her brother. I remember seeing him in the parking lot before we headed off to Memphis - I thought he was cute.

While in Memphis, we hit it off. We stayed up each night till about 5 am, talking on the kitchen floor of the place we stayed. We had to be up before 7 am. We were crazy. We also really liked each other. One problem though...

He was 19, and a freshman. I was 22 and a JUNIOR. Juniors do NOT date freshman!

He was a persistent one though.

On the last day we were on our trip, we took a little drive and he told me how much he liked me and that he didn't want to lose me. So sweet! I still wasn't sure...

Once we were back home, I kept thinking about him, but I also knew that I had some issues of my own to deal with. I was a relationship jumper.

I ended up dating someone else, but then realized he wasn't the one. I couldn't get Jesse off my mind. After some difficult conversations, some let downs, and some persistence on my part, we finally began dating the following fall. In fact, my Jesse told me (after I told him I wanted to take it slow) that he was interested in pursuing me for marriage! He wanted to be intentional about getting to know me to see if we were compatible as "man and wife." I just melted.

We were engaged four months later.

We were married a little less than five months after that.

It's now been five and half years and we are still in love, and still kissing! We have our hard times (marriage is hard), but I am so thankful that we have each other.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

(Now go kiss your husband!)

How To Prepare For Marriage Without Expecting It

How do I prepare for marriage and at the same time guard my heart? As women, this is an incredibly difficult task because we were specifically created out of man for man. However, if we trust Jesus, we can trust that He has the best for us - whether that be a life of singleness or marriage. I think it is wise to prepare to be a wife, mother, and homemaker. If we stay single, these skills will serve us and others well - our families, our communities, and any domain that God grants us ministry in. Set your heart before Him, guarding it in purity, but keeping it tender in hope.

Five “Rules” For Women:

Don’t...

Assume

Expect

Initiate

Manipulate

(And if it’s from God) Don’t fight

What are some ways I can prepare to be my husband’s helper/completer?

There are so many things I wish I would have known to learn or areas I needed to grow in before I was married. It is with this hindsight that I offer to you my list of “to do’s” before you become married (remember, these will also serve you and others well as a single woman living for God):

Know Jesus Christ.

You will not be able to fully love and give yourself to a man until you have let Jesus into your heart to change it, heal it, and nurture it. Love Him above all else.

Purity.

If you have struggles with attachments to men, sexual addictions, past abortions, sexual abuse, commitment issues, etc., deal with these now. Do not let a day go by that you hold onto any brokenness or sin that needs dealt with. Submit yourself humbly to God and He will help you. Get help from others as well. Remember, Jesus heals the broken-hearted.

Deal with your “core” lies.

We all have lies we believe about ourselves and Satan wants to use them to tear us and others apart. To determine your “core lies,” watch for things that make you angry, anxious, or depressed. The core lies are usually under there. Whatever goals we’ve created because of our core lies have to go. For example, one of my core was “I am not good enough.” If I felt threatened in a situation that hit on my lie (”why did you let the kids watch T.V. today?) and I would get very angry and defensive. I had to let go of that lie because it would affect how I treated my husband. I also had to learn the truth - that Jesus loves me so much that He died for me and He is the ONLY one who has the authority to tell me who I am.

Choose now to let your future husband be who he is and that “he is enough for me."

Men struggle with feeling that they are not enough. Be a refuge and place where he can experience freedom and grace. Be his biggest fan.

Become a wise steward of your finances.

Learn how to balance a checkbook, budget (and stick to it), and save. If you have debt, work diligently now to pay it off.

Learn a few “domestic” skills...

such as sewing, canning, knitting, painting, crafting, etc. (These come in handy if you have to live frugally and when you have kiddos).

Let go of your independence.

I cannot tell you how much you holding onto your own “rights” or independence will harm your marriage. Here is an excerpt my friend Laura wrote regarding this:

"Perhaps the most significant thing you will sacrifice is the spirit of independence which is destroying women. There is no room for the independent spirit in a woman’s life: we simply cannot love a man, children, or others well if we are entangled in this popular mentality that we are the center of the universe and we should have everything our way and we should be able to accomplish everything we desire and we shouldn’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves.
If you want to be great in God’s kingdom, learn to be the servant of all.
In the world’s eyes, you will be sacrificing so much, but in God’s eyes, you will be the lifeblood of His next generation, a generation who will praise His name."

Recommended Resources:

Five Aspects of Woman Bible Study by Barbara Mouser.

Preparing To Be Homemakers, by Lindsey at Passionate Homemaking

Ex Prep Part 7 - Something Greater

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:31,32

Don't be quick to leave because you already "know this" truth. Don't be quick to leave if don't know it, but but aren't sure you want to hear it. Stick with me a minute.

Can we just soak a magnificent truth in awhile? The truth that we have a God who is so in love with us that He gave us a relationship (marriage) on earth to show just how faithful He is.

Marriage is hard! Can I get an AMEN?! Guess what must be harder? Creating people in your own image and having them leave you for someone or something else. Having them completely rebel against you. Not only do they rebel, but they do horrible things to each other and all that you have created.

Imagine loving someone and they left you heart broken.

God's heart must have been broken when Adam and Eve trusted a snake over the goodness of God. His heart breaks now for those who still don't trust His goodness.

I don't know what you would do if your spouse cheated on you, said horrible untruths about you, and/or did wicked things to your family, but I know what God did when all these things happened to Him.

He came to earth to tell His beloved to come back to Him. Then, to show His beloved how faithful He was even though they weren't, He died on a cross naked and shamed to take their place...our place...He got what we deserved.

Then...

He showed His power - He came back to life. He wants you to join Him - whether that be a new life with Him, believing Him and giving your life to Him, or a renewed life.

He's waiting. Go.

“Most foundationally, marriage is the doing of God. And ultimately, marriage is the display of God. It displays the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his people to the world in a way that no other event or institution does. Marriage, therefore, is not mainly about being in love. It’s mainly about telling the truth with our lives. And staying married is not about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant and putting the glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love on display.” John Piper, The Momentary Marriage

Book Recommendation:

If you want to journey with me through this crazy life, click here so we can continue to walk together.

"Ex Prep"(intro), Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

"Ex Prep" Part 6 - It's Not A Mistake

I can't answer all the questions that come along with our spouses being the "right" spouse.

I can say that once we are married (and I'm even more confident if you are a child of God) that your spouse is the "right" one - it is not a mistake.

Do you know what happens when we start thinking in terms of "what if...?" If we start thinking that perhaps the one we are with is a mistake? Do you know what happens to our hearts? They become hard toward our spouse, sometimes slowly, eroding over time so that we don't even notice until our marriage becomes all but dead. We stop trying. We cling to our independence. We give up...even if know one else knows it.

Matthew 19:3-9

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,' and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Some of you think you will never divorce your husband, so you're in the clear. I ask you, what about a divorce of the heart? None of us are immune to it because we are all in a spiritual battle with not only the enemy, but also with our sinful nature.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I roll my eyes at my husband when we disagree?
• Do I allow myself to have lingering thoughts about a past love?
• Do I find myself gravitating toward the attention of other men?
• Do I think negative thoughts about my husband and/or our marriage?
• Do I respect my husband?
• Do I trust that God knows what He's doing with my marriage, no matter how difficult it is?
• Is divorce an option?

A hard heart will destroy a marriage from the inside out - whether you physically divorce or not. God wants us to have soft, hearts ready for molding. You and your spouse are one - God declared it so, and "what God has joined together, let no man separate."

My friends, it is not a mistake who your spouse is. God will use your marriage to refine both of you, and even more so He will use your marriage to do a good work...His purpose and plans cannot be thwarted. You know what else? He loves you with an everlasting love! He cares for you, and your marriage. He wants you to have a successful marriage!

A Challenge For You!

Go to your husband this very day and ask him if there are any areas in which he feels disrespected or unloved by you. Listen to him. Listen. Then say, "okay, I hear you." Drop your defenses...be soft. Pray. Do (or stop doing).

Today I am praying throughout the day for all of us to have softer hearts and more tender thoughts towards our husbands. Will you join me in this prayer today?

"Ex Prep"(intro), Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Ex Prep, Part 5 - How Do I Know If I'm Married To The Right Man?

This topic is going to be a very interesting discussion. I will be the first to say that I by no means have cornered the market on truth - only God has. Everything I present is what I believe, by scripture and faith, to be true.

With that said, my first question to you is this:

Do you believe God has a purpose and plan for His creation?

I do.

"But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations." Psalm 33:11

I also believe He directs His people to accomplish His plan and purposes, including marriages (the good, the bad, and the ugly) and the children you will or will not have therein.

"Man's steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?" Proverbs 20:24

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

The immediate questions that probably pop into your mind are, "what about those who were in marriages and their spouse left them? What about those who were married to someone before they were saved and are now with someone else?" Where does sin fit in - can't we deviate from God's plan?"

I think the above questions, and the whole premise in general that our spouses are part of God's plan for us, deserves some in-depth discussion and study.

Before I continue with this topic, I want to hear from you - what is your perspective?

If you have time, come visit me today over at Empowered Traditionalist!

Ex Prep, Part 4 - "I Can't Help Who I Love"

www.bigfoto.com

If the emotional door to your heart is unlocked, be prepared for a possible break in.

I have heard it said many times that we just cannot help who we fall in love with (or for that matter, fall out of love with). Sometimes it's not a matter of falling in and out of love, but rather leaving a teeny tiny little space open in the heart that has the potential to allow someone other than our husbands in (perhaps we already have). How do we lock up that space so it is reserved for one man only?

The first thing we must do is cling to these three truths:

1. We can choose who our hearts belong too.
2. We can choose how we act.
3. We can pray and God will help us.

We Can Choose Who Our Hearts Belong Too

God has given us authority over our domains. One of our domains is our hearts. If there is one thing I have learned from following my heart, as opposed to guiding it in wisdom, it is that when I do I usually find myself in a mess. It's lovely to say, "follow your heart," but the fact is, our hearts are filled with foolishness.

"He who leans on, trusts in, and is confident of his own mind and heart is a [self-confident] fool, but he who walks in skillful and godly Wisdom shall be delivered." Proverbs 28:26

If you have or are struggling with your heart being tugged by the memory of someone else (or someone else in reality), know that there is hope. You don't have to be in shackles; it is possible to train your heart. Keep reading.

We Can Choose How We Act

I am by no means saying that training our hearts is easy (in fact, we can't do it on our own - more on that later). It can be painful and challenging. It is worth every battle. For me, I have been believing a lie that I could not control my heart or how I would act if I saw someone that might open the floodgates to my heart. I was scared of myself and my emotions. The emotions may come, but the truth is I can control how I act and respond. I can have a plan ahead of time. I can be grounded in the truth.

We Can Pray and God Will Help Us

Oh, I love this! How wonderful that we have a God who cares and wants to help us..heal us. He hears our cries, and if we let Him, he will deliver us from the bondage of having feelings for another man. Prayer is powerful my friend! Sometimes we just need to get alone with God, on our faces, and pray and pray and pray. Sometimes we need a friend or mentor to pray with us and over us. If you are wrestling with feelings for someone other than your husband, do not keep it a secret! Find someone you trust and tell them. You need a battle partner. If God leads you, tell your husband as well.

Abiding in the above three truths will set you on a path to emotional freedom, but there is another truth that I want you to know...and to really believe. The truth that who you are married to is not a mistake. We will delve into that truth tomorrow.

I'm not just on my blog today! Come visit me over at Is This Modest?

Follow along with the "Ex Prep" series by subscribing here!

"Ex Prep"(intro), Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Ex Prep, Part 3 - Your Loyalty And Your Heart

"I am my lover's and my lover is mine..."

You will never leave your husband; it's not even an option. You are a loyal wife.

But...

Does your husband also have your heart? I don't just mean most of your heart...most of your love. Does he have all of it? Perhaps you have saved a tiny piece of your heart for someone else? Maybe a past love who still resides somewhere in there? Maybe a locked chamber that holds an unknown man that from time to time knocks to come out when you read certain books or watch certain movies?

I heard a great line from a movie this past weekend that brought into focus this whole topic of "Ex Prep." Read it carefully and ponder it for a minute:

"What kind of marriage will that be? Knowing I have your loyalty, but he has your heart?"

Loyalty and heart, that is what we are to give to our husbands (and they us). I'm going to outline a few truths below, and then we are going to dig into them over the next few days (yes, we, I want you to engage in this discussion with me). Here we go:

• Marriage pictures Christ and the Church.
• We can choose who are hearts go to and belong to.
• We can choose how we act.
• We can pray and God will help us.
• It is not a mistake who your spouse is.
• We cannot give our hearts fully to our husbands until they are first fully God's.

As we unfold these six truths, let's be in prayer about what the Lord would have us learn, where we need healing, sin that needs to be washed away, and how God would use these truths to grow us into more mature and godly women...and wives. Let's come with humble hearts...ready, willing, and vulnerable.

"Ex Prep"(intro), Part 1, Part 2

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"Ex Prep" Part 2 - One Woman's Story

Below is one woman's story of how failing to prepare our hearts and minds with the truth can lead to a serious breach of marriage. I applaud her courage and transparency in sharing it. Please offer this woman your love and compassion, for she is now on a journey to becoming a gracious, godly, and wise woman who is in love with her husband and Jesus Christ.

The "Ex" Effect

By Christin

This area of my life is a very sensitive one, but after going through it, I really want to share with others what damaging effects can come from entertaining the idea that you can be “just friends” with an “ex” boyfriend. The fastest way to begin this is by saying this: just because we’re not intimate with another man, does not mean we’re not having an affair.

Women don’t need to have sex to be involved with another man. Let me share my story and it is with humility that I do so. This is not something I really like to talk about…

After the birth of my first child, roughly 6 1/2 years ago, I was frequently talking to an ex. The ex I dated before I met my husband. The one whom I thought I would marry. Long story short, he broke it off, and then later had regrets. My emotions betrayed me. I didn’t keep them in check and I thought I’d married the wrong person. Not because my husband was bad to me or even because we had a bad marriage, because we didn’t. Just because that’s what my emotions were telling me. This ex flattered me, listened to me (even though my husband did, too)…did all the things right by a woman.

One Friday he was going to be in the area to go to school and against better judgement, he came over while hubby was at work. I didn’t plan on anything happening. That’s the mistake. I tempted temptation. Although I didn’t plan for anything to happen, the moment had something else in mind and before I knew it I was lip-locked with this ex. I was humiliated before he even left the house. My first thought was what have I done?

I was so ashamed, I took my then 3 month old daughter and drove straight to my husband’s work and told him what happened, through tears. He extended me so much grace, I thought there was something wrong with him!

So, what mistakes did I make? Hmm…let’s see..

• talking to this guy in the first place


• believing our contact was “innocent” because nothing could be seen on the outside


• believing an emotional affair wasn’t an affair


• allowing him into the house without hubby; underestimating the power of temptation


• allowing this guy a piece of me

Today, I have to live with the betrayal. Although my husband has forgiven me and never brings it up to attack me and I know I am forgiven by Jesus, there is still a bit of shame that goes along with it.

So, that’s my story of the “ex” and what happens when we just aren’t honest with ourselves. Please, don’t fall into the same trap…don’t think, “Well, I’m not her, I won’t let that happen”. Wrong. I was one of those girls who never saw myself as a cheater and believed “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Thank God for his grace and another chance to prove that statement wrong! We don’t plan for these things to happen. It happens in a moment of weakness…one we do not expect. It happens because we believe it won’t happen to me. Precautions must be taken. Don’t even allow yourself around anyone of the opposite sex without your husband around. No exceptions.

Thank you for reading my story…it is not an easy one to share, but I cannot just sit back and not tell other women of the dangers involved.

My husband may still be intact…but there are still wounds/scars that go with it as a result.

What Would You Do If An Ex Called? "Ex Prep" Part 1, Part 2, Tomorrow Part 3

"Ex Prep"

"The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil. She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her." Proverbs 31:11,12

Who does your heart belong too?

Let's be honest, it's easy to end a conversation (or plan to end one) when the person on the other end makes you want to "throw up then and there." (Thanks for that one Dana, I was LOL!). The conversation could go something like this:

"Hello?"

"It's Mr. Ex Man..."

"How can I help you?"

"Blah Blah Blah (nothing important)"

"I apologize if I seem rude, but this is inappropriate because I am married so I am going to have to hang up now."

Click.

What if, however, Mr. Ex man isn't so repulsive to you. What if you think about him from time to time. Perhaps you thought he was the one you were supposed to end up with. What if...

Now is the time where the rubber meets the road. Now is the time to ask yourself,

"Am I completely my husbands?"

During the modesty series we talked about the heart being the key issue, but we had a large focus on the outward - how we dress. I think it's time we look a little deeper into the heart...into the emotions, secret places, and areas that God wants to heal, change, or break so that we can give ourselves fully and completely to our husbands. No second thoughts, no what if's, no faltering.

Join me tomorrow for part 2 of "Ex Prep."

Book recommendation:

Preparing for an "ex" encounter works for me!

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What Would You Do If An "Ex" Called?

Have you ever thought about how you would handle a phone call from an ex-boyfriend?

Have you ever thought about preparing for such a call? Or perhaps a run-in?

I had thought from time to time, "what if so and so called...," but I never thought about actually equipping myself for if it ever did happen.

And it did happen, an ex called.

I was caught completely off guard and ended up staying on the phone for ten minutes trying to be polite, but praying that the call would end. I personally have people-pleasing issues, so I'm not good at just cutting off conversation or hanging up. Long story short, I told my husband and it hurt him that I stayed on the phone so long. He knows my personality and understood the situation, but none-the-less, it wasn't okay.

After a very awkward ten minutes, and the conversation afterwards with my husband, I decided to come up with a game plan for if it ever happens again (hopefully it won't, especially with the guy who called. I did end up politely telling him that it wouldn't be a good idea to call again).

Tomorrow I'm going to offer some tips and questions to get you thinking about what I call, "Ex Prep." Hope you'll join me!

What would you do if an ex called out of the blue, or you ran into him somewhere?

"Ex Prep" Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7

My Husband Rocks! Friday

Rockefeller Center in NYC

Another Great Adventure MHR Friday. I know this is last week's prompt, but I'm a little behind - plus I thought it would be fun to answer these questions!

1. Where did you meet?

Technically, I met him when he was about 16 and I was a freshmen in college. His sister brought him to visit the on-campus ministry (Navigators) we were a part of. She introduced us. That was it - he doesn't even remember.

Fast forward to my junior year (his freshmen year) and his sister brought him along on our spring break missions trip to Memphis, TN - where I say we officially met. I saw him get out of the car in a parking lot and thought, "Ooh, he's cute." The rest is history.

2. How long did you date b/f you were married?

Nine or ten months.

3. What does he do that surprises you?

I have to think about this one...

4. What is your favorite quality of his?

He makes me laugh

5. What is your favorite feature of his?

His legs :)

6. Does he have a nickname for you?

He has a few, but they're secret (his face would turn all red if I told you because he's quite a softy at heart!)

7. What is his favorite food?

Hamburgers with potato salad

8. What is his favorite sport?

BASEBALL!!! He played in college - he was a pitcher. I thought that was hot.

9. When and where was your first kiss?

I can't remember when, but it was in my apartment at Penn State.

10. What do you like to do together?

Play games

11. Do you have any children?

Two and one on the way

12. Does he have a hidden talent?

He could totally write sketches for SNL - he is hilarious!

13. Who said "I love you" first?

I honestly don't remember...wait a minute, I think it was him...in his dorm hallway...

14. What is his favorite type of music?

Probably country

15. What do you admire most about him?

His priority to put his family first - he works so hard for us

16. Do you think he will read this?

He'll skim it :)

Sounds Like Our House Right Now...

Wife: "Here are your eggs and bacon."

Husband: "Where are the eggs?"

Wife: "Give me a break, will ya?!"

(From The Bob Newhart show)

My Husband Rocks! Friday

My husband rocks because:

• He made most of our Christmas presents this year thanks to his new found wood-working hobby.
• He has been giving the kiddos baths so I don't have to bend over the tub with my growing belly (huge thanks babe!)
• He is a GREAT daddy! In the evenings you won't find T.V. on in our house - you'll find my husband on the floor playing with the kiddos for nearly two hours while I rest on the couch and watch them laugh and play.

For more MHR Friday, head on over to The Great Adventure!

Motivate Me Monday! Marriage Is Hard, Part 4 (A Refuge)

This week's featured 5:16 am gal is Helen from...

A Work of Heart

I really love Helen's perspective on things:

"Their [Angels] job description is very much like a child of God’s.

I am Gabriel…

I stand in the presence of God…

I have been sent to you and to tell you this good news…

I am Helen…

I stand in the presence of God…

I have been sent…to tell the good news…"

She also writes beautifully. Her post this week is, The Gift of Wood, focuses on God with us. Here is a small excerpt:

"An ordinary material…wood…not sought by many…nor precious by any means…yet God used the ordinary to exhibit the extraordinary…to show us…to remind us that in every aspect of life, each and every ordinary day…He brings light, peace and deliverance… He is God With Us...Immanuel…"

Stop by her blog and be inspired.

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion." Ecclesiastes 4:9,10

Marriage is hard. You know what else it is? A refuge. A place where you can be yourself, fully and completely, bare and vulnerable, free and forgiven...imperfect. However, it can only become a refuge if we push through the hard parts, the messy parts, the almost-giving-up parts.

This week I have been inspired by three things that have encouraged me and motivated me to press on when marriage is hard. Here they are:

Marie Barlow Martin and Gordy Martin, a couple who minister by their gifts of music. I saw them in concert this week and was moved by their story. The main highlight for me that was inspiring was how Marie left a very successful musical theatre career in NYC to become the wife of Gordy and move to Lancaster, PA (Amish land). She didn't hold on to her rights or her Independence. She was counter-cultural. Now God uses them all over the world to share the love of God and the "oneness" of marriage.

The second thing that inspired me was a commencement speech given by Laura from 10 Million Miles. Read this excerpt for yourself:

"Despite these trends, I bring you a message of hope: God intends for us to love, He intends for us to be in the mess of relationships, He intends for us to stay and to make peace when things get tough. He intends for us to build homes and to love our families. It is possible to sacrifice some achievements and some experiences in order to build a home. It is possible to look back on your losses without regret. It is possible...

As you build your home you, too, must surrender pride, whimsy, and selfishness.
Perhaps the most significant thing you will sacrifice is the spirit of independence which is destroying women. There is no room for the independent spirit in a woman’s life: we simply cannot love a man, children, or others well if we are entangled in this popular mentality that we are the center of the universe and we should have everything our way and we should be able to accomplish everything we desire and we shouldn’t have to answer to anyone but ourselves.
If you want to be great in God’s kingdom, learn to be the servant of all.
In the world’s eyes, you will be sacrificing so much, but in God’s eyes, you will be the lifeblood of His next generation, a generation who will praise His name."

You can read the whole amazing commencement speech here.

The third thing, my marriage. My husband and I have only been married for five and a half years, but we've weathered some storms. I love him, and because we have committed ourselves to one another for life, taking very seriously our vows (in good times and bad), we have been able to push through some hard stuff and find a refuge in each other. We have fun together! We are vulnerable and real with each other. He knows me better than anyone, and I know him better than anyone. He accepts me with all my annoyances (I seriously have a nose-picking problem!) and I accept him.

Marriage is hard, but it one of the most rewarding and worthwhile pursuits God has blessed us with.

Your Turn!

1. What have you learned and/or how God has spoken to you lately?
2. Share some advice, wisdom, practical applications, tips you've learned, etc. that you think would benefit others.

*Make sure to link directly to your MMM post and then link back here!

Marriage Is Hard, Part 3 (A Challenge)

Marriage Is Hard, Part 1 - Pursuing Godliness
Marriage Is Hard, Part 2 - Advice From Wise Women
Marriage Is Hard, Part 3 - A Challenge
Marriage Is Hard, Part 4 - A Refuge


This Christmas, give your spouse something eternal - a gift of affirmation. Here is my Homemade Christmas challenge for you:

Write your husband a letter that details (very specifically and genuinely) why you respect him. Perhaps you can think of ten reasons you admire him, look up to him, or trust him. If you are single, consider writing a letter to your future husband sharing with him how you long to love him well by respecting him, and how you hold it a dear privilege to one day have him to honor.

“Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband..." Ephesians 5:33

If you struggle respecting your husband, ask the Lord to show you areas that in his life that are respectable Think upon those things and then write with a heart of love. Remember, God doesn't ask us to respect our husbands, He requires us to, whether we think they are worthy or not.

Respect - To regard highly; think much of; to consider worthy of esteem; to regard with honor.

Sometimes the affirmation and encouragement from a wife is just what a husband needs to step up and be a man worthy of respect.

Here are some very practical tips to help you respect your husband from the article Living Ephesians 5: Wives, Respect Your Husband: (I recommend taking the time to click on the link and read the whole article. Below is just an excerpt.)

Respect him Verbally, Intellectually, and Physically.

Verbally

Cut out (ok…cut back) complaining and add in compliments.If you want to have a peaceful, happy marriage, learn the art of the compliment. Compliments are like magnets and the more you compliment your husband the more he will be attracted to you. Begin to notice when he does it right and verbally encourage him by complimenting him at least once a day. If you are having a hard time thinking of anything to admire, consider these categories: physical traits, mental skills, financial strengths, spiritual growth, or healthy relationships with others (children, parents, or friends). You may be asking “Hey, why should I compliment him when he NEVER compliments me?” Because, if you want your marriage to grow and bloom, you’ll have to water it with kindness and encouragement. Then, as he sees your sincere efforts, he will begin to change too. Don’t give up.If you do need to bring up a difficult issue, place it between two compliments, also known as a “Compliment Sandwich.” Here’s an example, “Honey, I know how hard you work for our money and that Sally’s braces will be expensive, but I need your decision before her appointment tomorrow. I hope we can do this for her, but if you want to wait, I trust your judgment. What should I tell the orthodontist? ”

Intellectually

Men like to solve problems and fix things. So appeal to his intelligence by asking him to help you solve a problem. Instead of saying “This garage is a mess, clean up your camping stuff!” Try, “I’d like your help with something. Could you figure out a storage system for all the camping supplies?”Don’t imply that he isn’t smart. Instead of saying “I think you are wrong about…” Say, “I’m confused about…please explain it again” (Remember to keep your tone of voice sarcasm-free.)Request his help on Spiritual matters too. Ask him to explain a passage of Scripture or ask him to pray for you when you are going through a difficult time. If your husband is not the spiritual leader in your home, continue to pray for him and ask him if there is anything you are doing that is hindering his relationship with God.Men don’t give a lot of weight to feelings -- show them facts and they’ll be more likely to listen. For example: if he wants to buy a car that you think is too expensive, don’t launch into a hissy-fit, write out your monthly expenses and ask him what other things should be cut out in order to buy his car. Let the facts speak for you. When you cannot reach an agreement, instead of trying to wear him down by nagging or crying say, “Is that your final decision or can I still try to convince you?" If it’s his final decision, then honor it. It’s freeing — let him carry the responsibility of your family.

Physically

Physically -- ask what he would like you to do and then, do it. Find out what his top three needs are. Ron likes the laundry done, physical intimacy a least twice a week (guaranteed) and he likes me to keep my “girly-make-up stuff” off of the bathroom counter. If these top needs are met, he’s content and easy to get along with. I know it sounds simple, but each of us have different things that make us feel loved and appreciated. You won’t know what he wants unless you ask him.Be aware of your body language. You can communicate disrespect by rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, or slamming doors. Reflect your new decision to respect your husband in your heart, mind, and body.

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Marriage Is Hard, Part 2 (Wisdom From Titus 2 Women)

"...a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become "one flesh."

I am encouraged when older, wiser women of God are willing to "teach what is good" to the younger generations. We need these Titus 2 women, who are sadly coming up in short supply it seems. Thankfully, I have been blessed to interview some of these ladies of wisdom, and I want to pass on some of their advice on how to love your husband well.

"They [older women]are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:3-5

Here are the "marriage" excerpts from my Lady of Wisdom interviews:

Sarah: Our "ministry" of being homemakers can get pretty exhausting, especially with little ones! How did you make time and have energy for your husband?

Robin: Coming home out of the work place made such a difference in this area. While I was working I felt torn in too many different directions and I don't think I handled this area very well. I always knew that after the girls were in bed that we could have some quiet time for the two of us. That didn't work out every night, but that was the goal. There will be days when you will be exhausted from caring for your little ones, but it won't always be like that. If it seems like you aren't getting any relief than perhaps some changes need to take place in what is going on through the day.When the girls were younger, I always made the girls have a rest after lunch. Whether it was a nap or looking at books, they had to stay on their bed and be quiet for an hour. We gradually worked up to that starting at 10-15 minutes. It gave me a chance to rest, read or just be still for awhile through the day.

Sarah: What is the greatest thing you've learned in how to be a good wife?

Robin: I think reading The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace was very helpful for me in becoming a good wife. She explains how our thought life really effects our actions and words. We can change our ungodly thoughts to biblical thoughts and become a blessing to our husband instead of a curse. Reading this book and trying to apply these principles made a huge impact on our marriage.

Sarah: What is the greatest thing youʼ've learned in how to be a good wife?

June: Just try to be his best helpmeet---find out what he would like from you instead of what the world wants you to be. Find out what he likes to eat, how he likes the house, what he likes you to wear. Some husbands don't care if the house is immaculate but they do care if there is not a hot meal waiting for them when they get home. Also ask him in the morning- "Is there anything you need me to do today?" and then put that first on your list--after your Bible devotionals, of course. Even if that means pushing aside your ever- urgent 'to do' list. And lastly, I should have probably put this first---RESPECT. Be sure to love him by respecting him. I also highly recommend the book "The Excellent Wife" by Martha Peace.


Sarah: How did you make time for your husband when you were exhausted with little ones?

Cathy: By keeping priorities. God first, Dave next, then the kids. The best thing I can do for the kids is to love their dad and let them feel the security of our bond. We did lunch dates if the schedule allowed. I am still too tired most of the time to enjoy night dates as much as lunch ones. Have a regular date time.... a time when you know you have the full attention of each other and can really talk.

Sarah: What is the greatest thing you've learned in how to be a good wife?

Cathy: To choose to let him be and to let Dave know that "he is enough for me". Men struggle with feeling that they are not enough. I want to be a refuge and place where he can experience freedom and grace. I am to be his biggest fan.

These women have been a blessing to me and I pray their wisdom would bless you and your marriage as well.

(Wisdom from Titus 2 Women works for me!)

Marriage Is Hard, Part 1

Let me paint a familiar picture for you of a typical married couple:

Husband (trying to initiate a physical encounter by "groping" his wife): No words needed.

Wife (busy with something -dishes, computer, etc.): "Quit it! I'm right in the middle of something. Honey, I love you, but come on, can you just give me some space? All you do is want something physical from me! Can you just wait?!"

Husband: Goes and does something else.

Some feelings of disrespect, a little rejection, a missed opportunity for godliness.

Godliness?

Let's face it, marriage is hard. While it is also a refuge, the fact is that God intentionally made man and woman different - complementary, but also at odds. We have to make the effort to love the other in ways that may not, and probably are not, like our own (especially when you throw kiddos in the mix). God could have made our desires the same, why didn't He?

I truly believe that marriage is the ultimate character building design (with having raising children in a close second). We grow in godliness if we allow marriage to do its job, so to speak. We can either just be married and live with one another, settling for mediocrity, or we can get out of our comfort zones, let down walls, be stretched until it hurts, and serve...even if we are not served in return. The reward might (and probably will) be a stronger and more intimate marriage, but it will definitely have a reward of godliness.

Perseverance, humility, selflessness, and a pure conscience before God are some of those rewards. We should never settle for the status quo in marriage. God didn't settle when it came to His bride, those He dearly loved but who had turned away from Him. He pursued us, He gave His life for us, and He purifies us. This is how we should view marriage - something to pursue, give our lives up for, and purify...till death do us part.

"Love endures long and is patient and kind;

love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy,

is not boastful or vainglorious,

does not display itself haughtily.

It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride);

it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly.

Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way,

for it is not self-seeking;

it is not touchy or fretful or resentful;

it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness,

but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

Love bears up under anything and everything that comes,

is ever ready to believe the best of every person,

its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances,

and it endures everything [without weakening].

Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]."

Marriage Is Hard, Part 2 - Advice From Wise Women

Marriage Is Hard, Part 3 - A Challenge

Marriage Is Hard, Part 4 - A Refuge

My Husband Rocks! Friday - Giblets!

My husband rocks because he took the giblets out of the turkey for me! I know, I know, it's really no big deal. I, however, do not like to stick my hand in the rear end of a lifeless creature (or a life filled creature for that matter!).

Yucko!

I would also like to add that this year I actually made my VERY FIRST TURKEY!!! I was very nervous...

but praise the Lord it turned out great!

For more MHR Friday, check out The Great Adventure!