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Thursday, January 22, 2009

"Ex Prep" Part 2 - One Woman's Story

Below is one woman's story of how failing to prepare our hearts and minds with the truth can lead to a serious breach of marriage. I applaud her courage and transparency in sharing it. Please offer this woman your love and compassion, for she is now on a journey to becoming a gracious, godly, and wise woman who is in love with her husband and Jesus Christ.

The "Ex" Effect

By Christin

This area of my life is a very sensitive one, but after going through it, I really want to share with others what damaging effects can come from entertaining the idea that you can be “just friends” with an “ex” boyfriend. The fastest way to begin this is by saying this: just because we’re not intimate with another man, does not mean we’re not having an affair.

Women don’t need to have sex to be involved with another man. Let me share my story and it is with humility that I do so. This is not something I really like to talk about…

After the birth of my first child, roughly 6 1/2 years ago, I was frequently talking to an ex. The ex I dated before I met my husband. The one whom I thought I would marry. Long story short, he broke it off, and then later had regrets. My emotions betrayed me. I didn’t keep them in check and I thought I’d married the wrong person. Not because my husband was bad to me or even because we had a bad marriage, because we didn’t. Just because that’s what my emotions were telling me. This ex flattered me, listened to me (even though my husband did, too)…did all the things right by a woman.

One Friday he was going to be in the area to go to school and against better judgement, he came over while hubby was at work. I didn’t plan on anything happening. That’s the mistake. I tempted temptation. Although I didn’t plan for anything to happen, the moment had something else in mind and before I knew it I was lip-locked with this ex. I was humiliated before he even left the house. My first thought was what have I done?

I was so ashamed, I took my then 3 month old daughter and drove straight to my husband’s work and told him what happened, through tears. He extended me so much grace, I thought there was something wrong with him!

So, what mistakes did I make? Hmm…let’s see..

  • talking to this guy in the first place

  • believing our contact was “innocent” because nothing could be seen on the outside

  • believing an emotional affair wasn’t an affair

  • allowing him into the house without hubby; underestimating the power of temptation

  • allowing this guy a piece of me

Today, I have to live with the betrayal. Although my husband has forgiven me and never brings it up to attack me and I know I am forgiven by Jesus, there is still a bit of shame that goes along with it.

So, that’s my story of the “ex” and what happens when we just aren’t honest with ourselves. Please, don’t fall into the same trap…don’t think, “Well, I’m not her, I won’t let that happen”. Wrong. I was one of those girls who never saw myself as a cheater and believed “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Thank God for his grace and another chance to prove that statement wrong! We don’t plan for these things to happen. It happens in a moment of weakness…one we do not expect. It happens because we believe it won’t happen to me. Precautions must be taken. Don’t even allow yourself around anyone of the opposite sex without your husband around. No exceptions.

Thank you for reading my story…it is not an easy one to share, but I cannot just sit back and not tell other women of the dangers involved.

My husband may still be intact…but there are still wounds/scars that go with it as a result.

What Would You Do If An Ex Called? "Ex Prep" Part 1, Part 2, Tomorrow Part 3


Robin said...

Thanks to Christin for being so open and transparent about this issue.

I think as we look over our past and our mistakes it should spur us on to do better, to cling to the Lord for his guidance and his forgiveness and to help guide the next generation with wisdom and discernment.

On the flip side of this issue, we need to be forgiving and understanding when and if our husbands get one of those "calls".
Yep, it happens.

Pray~and~Wait said...

Thank you Christin for sharing your story! I know the agony of having emotions for your "ex." My "ex" wanted to stay friends so badly after we broke up...we dated for 5 years and I thought I would marry him. We both felt like we had lost our best friend, which we had. He made it look so easy that we could just be friends, but I was so emotionally attached that it was too much for me. He got met his wife about a year and a half later....they both thought it was ok for us to still be friends b/c we ended things on good terms (we only broke up b/c we knew it wasn't what God wanted). The hardest thing I have ever done is tell him that I didn't want to be friends....and couldn't! I knew that it was too dangerous for us. Maybe not at that time, but having a relationship outside of his marraige was not godly. I had to just walk away from my best friend...it was so hard....but God is so faithful and blesses our obedience.

I applaud Christin for doing the godly thing and being honest with her husband. She could have just hid it...or worse, continued with the relationship.

David was called a "man after God's own heart." He made so many mistakes, but what made him godly was that he always turned back to the Lord.

I think our biggest mistake we can make is thinking we would NEVER commit a certain sin. When we think it won't happen to us, its easy to fall to the temptation.

Thanks Sarah for this new series on "ex's." I think its something we as women really stuggle with b/c of the emotion that attached to it more than anything else.

southerninspiration said...

Wow, that took a lot of courage to share, but I think that it is great for others to share with such transparency. We as women, are indeed susceptible to emotional affairs, and can be tempted to get/find those extra strokes, especially when it's not found at home. But like she said, even when things are good, we can be way-laid by such things.
Thanks for being honest, real and sharing with us.

christinnjon said...

Thank you everyone for your kind comments.:)
And thank you Sarah Mae for allowing me to share in this series. I am truly humbled. Glory to God in the Highest. It is to Him I owe my thanks, my husband, my family and the grace extended to me. Without Him, it just couldn't happen.

Stacey @ The Blessed Nest said...

Thanks so much for being honest & sharing your story! It's something that every married couple needs to guard against no matter how well their marriage is going!

Kellye said...

WOW!! Thank you so much Christin for humbly sharing your story and thank you Sarah Mae for this series. As we all know God works, and after reading part 1 yesterday, I logged on to my facebook account and saw that my ex boyfriend/high school sweetheart/broke my heart and devestated me...you get the idea had sent me a request to be my "friend". Can you believe?? Unreal what Satan tries to do, but God sent this series to awaken me from what I didnt even know was coming! My initial reaction though, because I haven't seen or spoken to him in 5 or 6 years (Ive been married to my absolutely wonderful husband for 10) was to accept his request...just to see what he was up to. Then after reading what had happened when Sarah Mae's ex just "happened" to call, I realized that I cannot even open that door. Not at all because I am any way shape or form interested but because of what that would do to my husband and the betrayal and insecurities it could cause. Just like Sarah said, her husband understood that it wasn't her fault that he called, but why did she entertain him for so long on the phone. That really hit home with me and I just think that God works yall because Satan will get into our minds and make us think that we are not doing anything wrong.

I am going to kindly tell him that I don't think it is appropriate for us to be chit chatting on facebook and that I hope he is doing well but that I don't want to be his "friend." VERY HARD to do though because he is a sweet guy and has no alterior motives, but I can't risk my husband feeling betrayed or questioning my motives. THANKS SO MUCH LADIES!!

Blue Castle said...

Thank you for sharing your story. That took courage.

We all have weak points and vulnerable moments. Thank you for the reminder.

Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates said...

Thank you so much Christin for sharing this story - very brave of you!

Such good advice and makes you think about what other things we might need to prepare for and guard against in our marriages.

Good series, Sarah Mae!

Kim said...

Thank you Christin for sharing your story. Oddly, I dated/lived with a guy for 8 years in my pre-Christ life. We continued to be friends for a year and a half until I met the man who would become my husband. My husband told me that he was very uncomfortable with our friendship, and it was tough for me to comply with his request, but I can see how it would have become a dangerous weapon of the Enemy. I finally submitted...it really did seem best to shed that layer of my pre-Christ life, and I certainly don't want my husband to have to worry about that area.