Burdens or Blessings? Dealing With Disobedience

Mom: {while putting shoes on little brother} "Susie Q, come to mommy please, it's time to go to the store."
Susie Q: {coloring} Hold on, I'm coloring.
Mom: "We have to get going, let's go, I said come...now please."
Susie Q: "In just a minute, I'm doing something."
Mom: "When mommy says come, you come...do you hear me?!"
Susie Q: {slowly putting away coloring book while grumbling}
Mom: "NOW...MOVE IT! This is not okay, you are disobeying mommy, do I need to discipline you? Huh? Let's go, I said NOW..." {Frazzled and out the door 10 whole minutes later}

VS.

Mom: {While putting shoes on little brother} "Susie Q, come to mommy please."
Susie Q: {walks over to mommy}
Mom: "We have to go to the store now. Would you please put your shoes on."
Susie Q: {puts shoes on} "Can I get a treat at the store?"
Mom: "We'll see...all ready? Great, let's get going."

Oh, more times than I can count I have battled with my three year old in a scenario similar to the first one above. I get frustrated with her constant disobedience in certain areas, then I find myself angry and speaking to her with a harsh tone. I know the second scenario is possible, so the question must be asked...

Whose fault is it when she consistently disobeys?

I'm looking in the mirror.

The fact is, when our children disobey, they are just doing what their little sin natures are supposed to do. It's our job to civilize them.

Why do we train and correct our children when they disobey? We do it because we love them. If we obey God by training our children, we will not only be helping them to live life on earth well, but we may be saving them from destruction.

"Don’t fail to discipline your children. They won’t die if you spank them. Physical discipline may well save them from death." Proverbs 23:13,14

"Regard (treat with honor, due obedience, and courtesy) your father and mother, that your days may be long in the land the Lord your God gives you." Exodus 20:12

What Is Direct Disobedience?

Direct disobedience occurs when you tell your child to do something (or have told them not to do something) and they don't respond to the instruction immediately.

How Do I Correct Disobedience In My Child?

Commit to being consistent in giving your children a consequence for disobeying. If you say "come" and those little feet don't start moving, they are disobeying and need a consequence. If you catch them painting on the walls after telling them not too, immediate consequence. Now, because we are ultimately dealing with the heart and not just outward obedience, we must make sure to correct in love not anger. In fact, if you are so angry that you can't control the disciplinary measures you choose to implement, don't even do them. Take a breather. Gain perspective. Children are supposed to sin, we must help them learn not too (at least do their best - we all need Jesus after all!).

*If you want a specific example of discipline in action, head over to At The Well today where I give you one!

Tips From Ladies of Wisdom On What Worked Well For Them In Disciplining Their Children (You can read the full interviews here)

Cathy Bowman (A mentor of mine from college):

I think some of the things we did for disciplining worked well. If the kids lied, disobeyed, or ran into the street they would get spanked. If they disobeyed, we would say, "are you choosing to disobey?" If they did, I would say, "you have taken away my choice so I have to discipline you. We are responsible for you and you have to learn to obey God and us." I would take them to a private place to spank, explain what they did wrong and why I was doing this, and then when it was over, I would say, "I love you and forgive you." Some other disciplining tools we used were consequences - taking away their favorite things. We also did time-outs if they had tantrums. I would put them in a pack and play until they could be happy for five minutes. I’d say, "you are socially unacceptable, go get some self-control and you can come back into society." :) Don’t start the five minutes until they start being positive.

I tried not to have a lot of "no’s" in their world, I liked distracting them instead.
Also, ask forgiveness from your child (I had to do it very often).

Robin Brookshire (Robin's Egg Blue):

One thing I heard on Focus on the Family when I first came home was the idea of "first time obedience". Sadly, I hadn't heard that before. The idea was that when you tell your child what they need to do, if they hesitate at all you then ask them, "When do you obey?" Their response should be, "The first time." Then you ask them, "Who do you obey?" Their response should be, "Daddy and Mommy." While we weren't always perfect with this, it definitely set a precedent.
The more you discipline and train your children when they are young the less work you will have to do in this area when they are older.

I also liked the saying "Act, don't react." I put that on my refrigerator so it would be a constant reminder.

June Fuentes ( A Wise Woman Builds Her Home):

We believe in shepherding and disciplining our children according to the Word of God. With eight children you quickly find that what might work with one child might not work with the other. That goes also for each incident. One event might need grace while another might need a more severe punishment. One might need just a verbal warning and the other much more. Everything needs evaluation, each child is unique---I ask God everyday to give us wisdom so we might be a good judges regarding this topic. So I don't think one 'method' worked best for us--except the method of God's Word, consistency and love (I Corinthians 13).

Whew! I think that's enough for today! Make sure you hit up Christin's blog tomorrow for tips on dealing with whining and complaining...I also have a few tips for you!

I'm also writing on the topic of discipline over At The Well today - here is an excerpt from my article:

Children are a blessing...

Sure, out in public or via our blogs/social networks we talk all about how are babes are blessings. Uh huh. But how many of you are sincerely experiencing your children as blessings in the day to day? How often does the thought pop in your mind that your kiddos are burdens (shhh...don't tell!)? You don't want to think that way, but some days it's just so...hard to be a mommy. Don't worry, I can't read your mind, your secret is safe with God. He knows. He knows that so often we are exhausted, exasperated, and sometimes even lost when it comes to truly experiencing our children as being blessings, not just "in theory" blessings. He also knows that there is joy to be had...Read the rest of this article At The Well!

Articles On Child Training & Discipline

The Mystery of Discipline, Sally Clarkson
Behavior & Discipline, Growingkids.org
Little Fools in Aldi, Run the Earth, Watch the Sky

(Training our children works for me!)

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