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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My Abortion Story

In the news today: U.S. recession linked to more abortions,...

I was 16 years old. I was given a new name and then was drugged...I didn't like the IV. My dad held my hand but I started to get really fidgety. They upped my drug dosage. I was wheeled away. I was so cold, but they gave me a blanket. I counted backwards from 100...99...98...

The end.

The end of my first baby's life.

It was always weird for me when I was pregnant with my first born, because people would always ask, "is this your first?" I hated that question. I didn't know how to answer.

"Um, no, I killed my first baby, this will be my second." That wouldn't work. "My first is in heaven." That won't work either, people will think I miscarried. I landed on, "This is my husband and I's first."

Its been 13 years since I had my abortion. Even though I have been forgiven and set free from the bondage I was once in, the memories of that time in my life and my fateful decision still hurt so deeply upon remembrance.

I'll never forget when I called to tell my dad I was pregnant. He was so kind and loving towards me. I'll also never forget the words out of my grandmother's mouth when I told her the same thing, "I'll take care of it." What? "No, I'm keeping the baby."

Three months later she had "it" taken care of.

The three months I was pregnant when I was 16 were probably the three hardest months of my life. I was very sick, I felt very alone, and I was being torn in directions I wasn't prepared for. Everyone had a solution to my "problem," but no one wanted to hear mine. I wanted to keep the baby...at first. I figured I could get married and start a family. After talking with others and them telling me how I would miss such important things if I had a baby, like prom, I thought it would be better if I gave the baby to someone who couldn't have children. Nope, people didn't like that idea either. During this time, my mom totally checked out of the situation. She almost became numb to the whole thing. She had her own demons to deal with and couldn't handle mine. My dad, a wonderful father, had decided that abortion probably was the better choice. I don't think he really believed that, but he had pressures of his own. One person in my life even wanted the baby for themselves, but I couldn't bear that person raising my child. Did I mention that my grandmother, who I thought was my "best friend," stopped talking to me during this time? She wouldn't even look at me. The final straw was when my other grandmother came to visit me. She convinced me that having an abortion really would be the best decision. She spoke to me so kindly and she showed me love. I was desperate for any signs that I was lovable at that point, so I agreed right then and there to have an abortion.

I went to see the doctor who would perform the abortion. He had the nerve to tell me,"only a fool makes the same mistake twice." He seemed so wise...I wonder how many mistakes he's performed over his lifetime.

The night before the "procedure" I asked the baby to forgive me. I held my tummy and cried.

The day arrived and my dad accompanied me to the hospital. Yes, the hospital, not the local abortion clinic. The doctor thought I would do better being at a hospital where I could be totally put out...drugged to unawareness. He even had my name changed so there would be no record that I had an abortion...I did have a fairly prominent family. That afternoon I didn't have an abortion, Sandy Charles did. Sandy Charles gave up hope that day...Sandy Charles let them stick a needle in her arm, drugs in her veins, and a murderer into her private domain. Sandy Charles offered her baby up for slaughter.

I slept for two days. When I woke up I was at my grandmothers, the one who wouldn't speak to me before but was now serving me toast with a smile. I had moved in with her because my step mom didn't want me anywhere near her...I was bad. I ate the toast. Nothing was ever spoken about my abortion. It was a new day. It was like it never happened.

To be continued... (read part 2 of my story here)

Under the fierce fluorescent

she offered her hand for me to hold

she offered stability and calm

and i was crushing her palm

through the pinch-pull wincing

my smile unconvincing

on that sterile battlefield that sees

only casualties

never heroes

my heart hit absolute zero

-Ani Defranco

Sharing my story works for me...I hope it impacts someone somewhere who needs to hear it.

94 comments:

Muthering Heights said...

This must be so painful for you to write about! You are very brave to share your story with us!

Conny said...

Thank you, Sarah Mae, for allowing the Lord to use your sad story to help others understand the importance of what you are teaching thru this. God bless you for being so open & honest.

the BLAH BLAH BLAHger said...

Good for you for sharing something so difficult, but so profound...

Holly said...

Thank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

Linda C said...

You have helped someone by writing this. You may never know who or how. It had to be hard, you are very brave and honest.

God bless you.

Linda C

Simply Dawn said...

Bless you, bless you, bless you Sarah Mae! Thank you for being open and honest about such a painful subject, I pray God uses your story to help many others. I pray to that it leads all of us to look into those eyes that pass us by and see each person with the love of Jesus. Lord, give all of us the strength to reach out to those you put into our lives, and through us, save lives.
Lovies,DJ

Mike M said...

Wow. Sarah... wow. this is very impactful. For several reasons. One being that my mother went through something very similar. And I just found out about it this year, and I'm 31. I'm glad God has blessed you with the courage, and humility, and whatever else it takes to be able to share this story.

The Momma Bird said...

I am SO sorry that this happened to you in this way! You are so brave for sharing this, and I can only imagine how God will use this to prevent others from going down that same road.

Many many blessings to you! :)

Lois said...

You are fiercely courageous, brave, and authentic to the core. What an inspiration to all of us. You are one of the most beautiful people I know, and your transparency is your sweetest feature. I love you.

Exceedingly Abundantly said...

Bless you, dear Sarah Mae, for being so vulnerable. You are a light in sharing His truth, and it is no surprise that He has used your pain to accomplish this mighty work in and through you. Yours is a testimony of forgiveness, redemption and grace and I anticipate hearing more. God bless you...abundantly.
~Sara

The Real Me! said...

I've often wondered what the thoughts were from someone who has gone down that road. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your experience my friend. I KNOW that the Lord will use this for great things!
Love you my sweet friend.
Kim

Anonymous said...

God bless you.

Lisa said...

Sarah Mae, your courage is inspiring. MUCH love to you, my sweet friend.

Hadley said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Not only for telling the truth of the pain you've endured, but the Truth that has removed you from your bondage.

I pray, as I'm sure you do, that your story would save at least one baby.

May God continue to keep you.

~*Michelle*~ said...

Thank you for sharing this difficult chapter in your life....God's glory is piercing through your pain.

I believe that you have gone through your pain, to spare others....and that is the ultimate gift.

Bless you and may God continue to wrap His arms around you.

Peace~
*~Michelle~*

Kat said...

Wow. Surely this will help someone...

Multi-tasking Mommy said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. That must have been such a difficult time in your life, I cannot even imagine.

Kristin said...

Wow....Sarah Mae, you are such a brave person to share that with everyone. THANK YOU wholeheartedly for doing so. I'm so sorry that you had to endure that...my heart is just aching for you.
I'm sure this will have a deep and lasting impact on many of your readers, especially considering your openness and honesty. Thanks for having the strength to use your experience to change the lives of others.
Blessings to you.
-Kristin

Debbie said...

Praise God for your story. God will use your story for His glory! There is a girl or many girls out there today that need to hear this. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us.

Songbirdtiff said...

I agree with above posters, you are a brave person for sharing such a personal story.

Sarah Mae said...

Thank you all so much for your kind comments. There is a tention in the stomach when you put something out there like this...how will people respond? I'm grateful to have such wonderful friends, even if I don't know you in person!

Pajama Mama said...

Thank you for being so transparent and open. I can't wait to read the rest of the story,
kristen

Sarah said...

Thank you for your words. I have several people in my life who have been impacted by abortion, which in turn, impacts my life.
You are brave and strong Sarah Mae.

Lu said...

There aren't words to explain how difficult this must have been. I have lost 5 babies myself thru miscarriage & know how hard it is to feel this loss. I am sorry that so many people mislead you & betrayed this little baby. I am also sorry that I couldn't have been there to help you know the truth but, it makes me want to reach out to young girls in this situation now.

Suz said...

Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. There may be someone out there today looking for answers and God put you in place today to help them find that answer...

If that person is you, think about what Sarah had to say today. If you can't care for a child right now, there are so many on waiting lists right now that are desperate for one .. yours.

My prayers follow this post today in hopes that it makes a difference in someone's life, and the life of a child!

Emily B said...

Sarah,
I know it had to be hard for you to stick out your neck and put this out there. Good for you! NOTHING is lost on God. He WILL use your story for good, because that's who He is. And I know you know that (even though I don't know you personally). Thanks for your transparency. You touched me today.

Miss Jocelyn said...

It's hard to know what to say to things like this. "Praise the LORD He turned you around" or "I'm so sorry you were in that situation with no one to show you the truth"? I know we can be ever grateful for the forgiveness and second chance the LORD gives and always will. May you continue to be the woman you are now, seeking after God and showing others how he CAN and WILL turn your life around if you let him.

HUGS! :)

SuperAngel said...

Sarah Mae,
Thank you for your sharing! I was so deeply touched and I am sure there is someone who will read this that is going through the same thing that will be encouraged by it!
Thank you for opening your heart and being transparent with everyone.
HUGS!
Amanda
The Daily Planet

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

May God bless your sweet sweet heart Sarah Mae.

As I read your story, the chills ran up and down my body.

I'm SO very sorry, for what you endured.....But God's redemption power....was right there...with you in that room on that day.

May your journey, encourage others.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim~

bookflutterby said...

Oh, that made me cry...I wish I could have been there to give you a hug. I wish more young girls could hear your story, so they would know what abortion is, not what doctors or well-meaning relations tell them. Thank you for posting this, I'm sure it wasn't easy.
Courtney

Peggy said...

Thank you. For being so open and honest and true. For sharing such a painful and intense experience. For having the courage to write this and the faith that someone will be helped by it. We have no idea whose life we touch just by simple things. How much more so by the not-so-simple things?

Bless you.

Sarah said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's something I think everyone should read -- I'm so glad you posted it where you did so I came across it. And the reason I think it's so important is because we need to wrap our arms and God's love around every woman in that situation, and every woman who has been through it.

Rachael said...

Thanks for sharing your story. It really grabbed me. I hope your story helps readers in some way and also helps you continue to heal.

MamaHen Em said...

Your openess and honesty about something so painful is going to touch so many lives today. You have no idea what that impact will be, but God does. Thank you for being so transparent and willing to be honest. Blessings...

Carrie said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you went through that. May God bless you for putting yourself out there for a testimony that will bring Him glory.

His Honeybee said...

Many hearts will be touched by your courage to "talk"! Your
blog is one of my absolute favorites! Transparency is what God desires, and, girl, you've GOT it! I love that about you!!! I understand transparency more that charades, know what I mean?
I had a similar grandmother. I've forgiven her, even if I don't understand that way of thinking.
AT ALL. :(
You are making an AMAZING difference in the Kingdom of God!
Love you sister,
Melissa

His Honeybee said...

I meant......

"more THAN charades."

:D, Melis

::Traci:: said...

I’ve had to sit here waiting to comment on this for fear that the tears pooled up in my eyes would spill on to my cheeks like a bumbling dummy {thing again, my co-workers have seen tears a lot lately, maybe they’ll think I watched another Hallmark commercial on Youtube? ANWAY … } I can’t imagine the awfulness of what you’ve faced. I can’t imagine what it felt like to bravely hit post and share those words with all of us. I CAN see how God has and is using your life to be an amazing Kingdom builder. You are such an inspiration to so many, and I know that your words today will impact hearts. I wish I could hug you friend! Thank you for your courage and realness and your sweet Godly heart. I am lucky to “know” you … :)

MomE said...

You've been tagged... as one of my favorite blogs...so head over to www.alonethoughts.blogspot.com to find out why...

Friend Chick said...

You truly are a blessing, and the Lord is using you in ways that you will only know in eternity. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. It's one thing to read about a fact, but a heart's story is entirely different.

Blessings to you and your family.

Wanda said...

Sarah Mae.....how brave of you to share your story. So many people make choices that affect the rest of their lives....not knowing that everything they ever do will have some connection to it.

I am so thankful that you have peace and forgiveness. God is good! Even when we fall short!

I wish everyone could read your story!

Katey said...

I was a 24 year old single mom...someday I may post my story...maybe not. but thank you for sharing yours!

Composing Hallelujahs said...

wow. thanks for sharing. you are such a blessing to so many.

Bahama Shores Mama said...

i'm a first time visitor and just wanted to tell you how brave I think you are. I'm glad that perhaps the theraputic posting is working for you ~ wednesday or anyday.

Kristy K said...

Thank you Sarah, from the bottom of my heart.

Kristy

Melissa said...

Thank you for sharing such an intimate story with us. After looking at teenwire.com yesterday and how it describes little to no emotional complications after abortions, thank you for sharing your real story about the hurt (and healing) that comes after an abortion. May God bless you with continued healing. Thank you!
Melissa

oh amanda said...

Thank you for sharing your story!

Bonita said...

Thank you, Sarah Mae, for your transparent honesty. I believe your story will help many.

Michelle said...

I know you don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that your story really touched my heart. I personally have never had an abortion, but I have friends that have had one and have seen the way it wrecked their lives until they realized they were loved by the one true God and He forgave them.
You have a beautiful soul, keep sharing your story, your touching the world!
Michelle

Michelle said...

Thank you so much Sarah! I'll be sure and add the button too!

Kristen@nosmallthing said...

Wow. That must have been incredibly difficult to write. When you are 16, you rely on the adults in your life to help you make the right decision. I'm sorry no one listened to you. God bless!

LaVonne said...

Wow! Very brave of you to share it. I hope that your story will impact even one person who is debating whether or not to have an abortion. I wish your family had at least allowed you to give your baby up for adoption. It must have been a very hard time for you - such a young girl. Praise God, He forgives and restores!

Aunt LoLo said...

Thank you for sharing that. I agree with Conny - thank you for letting the Lord teach others. God bless you. I know that all sounds trite - I've never met you. I came here through WFMW. But I appreciate the honesty you put into that post...and the remorse. Does that make sense? I hope one 16 year old girl reads this and understands what happens to HER after the baby is gone. It's never as easy as others say it will be.

Jessica said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure it is difficult for you to talk about that time in your life. I just pray that it will help other girls/women in that situation. I will pray for you and also for Sandy Charles.

Amydeanne said...

hugs. thanks for sharing

Kimba said...

Sarah Mae,

I can't even think of something to say right now. I am thanking God for you. For your courage to share your store. You WILL absolutely affect people's lives with your honesty and your love.

Kimba

Lindsey said...

Sarah Mae,

May God bless you for sharing your story though so very painful. Your past will definitely touch and help someone facing the thoughts of abortion.

You are a blessing Sarah! This had to be so hard for you to do :( HUGS

Allie Z said...

Gosh I sure love you Sarah Mae! You just melt my heart. I have lots of tears. Wow.

I can relate to your post 100%. I had a child at age 16. I contemplated adoption, but due to legalities, I decided to "keep" her. Two years later I was down the wrong path, pregnant, and decided to abort. That was even tougher than deciding to keep my daughter.

7 years later, I still wonder what my son looks like and pray that God will watch over him. Now that I'm married and we have expanded our family to 3 children, I wonder when the time will be right to share the news. I think it will take awhile to get to that point.

Thank you, as always, for such honesty. Your series is great. I look forward to putting it to work.

Lots of love!
Alie

Jen@balancing Beauty and Bedlam said...

Sarah Mae - The way the Lord will use these words, I can't even begin to imagine. Who knows how many lives will be touched and saved through your vulnerability and wisdom.

i can't even begin to put my feelings into words , but am privileged to hear your story.

Warren Baldwin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Warren Baldwin said...

What painful story. What a cry to the church to be less judgmental and more compassionate to young girls facing such a decision. Thanks for the post. (Note: I deleted my previous comment b/c of a grammatical error).

Rafter's-n-Henderson said...

You are a beautiful person inside and out. You are loved by many and you inspire so many to know of God's unconditional love. If it wasn't for the silence of generations past there could have been a lot of mistakes that could have been prevented. Mine included. Lindsey is too my only daughter however not my first baby. God loves you and Our family loves you ... Your courage is amazing. You bring the world together on His level.... God's amazing love through your words. Bless you. Jaime

Mike said...

Incredibly moving story and one I share from a man's point of view. I hope sharing does indeed dispel the demons.

Kendra Lee said...

Thank you for sharing - that is intense - Praising God for GRACE.

Angela said...

Oh....I have so few words. I cried as I read that you held your stomach and asked your baby to forgive you. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart so honestly. I know that this will have a beautiful impact on many.

Buildeth Her House said...

I wish you much healing and blessings for giving us this piece of yourself.

christinnjon said...

Your story put me in tears Sarah Mae - for you. Oh my sweet friend, you are bold and so humble to share such a story. May God bless you 100 times over. I pray you continue to heal and you remember God's grace. (((hugs)))

Katy Lin :) said...

wow. Sarah Mae. thank you so much for your courage and your transparency in sharing this with us. you will be especially in my prayers as you prepare the next portion of it for us.

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for your courage..... love to you

Laura said...

Good and sober work, Sarah. I love you. I'm praying that as you witness to God's faithfulness and grace, you and your family are protected under the shadow of His wing! Keep on.

Kim said...

Stopping in from Problogger forums (aka DeeCan there...)

It must have been so difficult for you to share this story. Unfortunately, I have been there too.

I thank God daily that, despite my past sin of murdering my baby, that he has blessed me with four beautiful, healthy, happy children. I feel so unworthy of such.

I felt exactly what you felt. It is nice to know that I wasn't alone.

I'm so thankful for redemption. :)

Tricia said...

Thank you for sharing your story... I pray that God will use it to open people's eyes and save lives of many, many precious children...

I have a friend who has recently received healing from the Lord from an abortion she had 14 years ago, what He is doing in and through her life now is just amazing...

Blessings!

Robin said...

Dearest Sarah Mae,

I praise the Lord that He gave you the grace and courage to share your story. A story that unfortunately is not uncommon.

Except for the Lord!

May His name be praised.

He gives beauty instead of ashes, oil of gladness instead of mourning; garment of praise instead of a faint spirit, that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. (Isaiah 61:3)

If not for the Lord......where would we be.

Psalm 103:1-5

May the Lord bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you.

Love,
Robin

Anonymous said...

Terrific heart felt post, I am really sorry it has taken so long to resolve your feelings, hopefully this post will go some way to helping you.

We made this same decision 30 odd years ago as very newly weds. Must say I (male) have NOT regretted it and now have a 23, 19 & 17yo (we have not discussed it for years) They were very much planned, desired and welcomed as we were ready!

The real sadness in my mind is the incredibly high teenage pregnancy rates across the world (esp in the US) and the ignorance that creates this very difficult choice. (and ongoing issues if unresolved)

(via the Problogger forum)

Mrs T said...

thank you.
we have walked in the same shoes with different stories

Anonymous said...

so many of us bought the lie, that abortion was a solution. I was not fooled that is was a good choice. I told the nurse, you cannot convince me that I am not murdering a life. yet, I did it anyway.....

Thank you for sharing, It is a silent hurt that many carry.

Kelly's Ideas said...

I can only say I love your brutal honesty..and you are a testimony that abortion is a life long sadness. I admire you for telling your story..thank you
kelly

Http://www.amazingsalvation.com

Carolee said...

Thanks for sharing- that most likely wasn't easy.

SquiggleMum said...

Strong and courageous. Those are the words that come to mind. You have already been a blessing to so many by sharing this story - just look at the comments! As mommy/mummy bloggers we all say we want to be "real". Thanks for leading by example.

thequeenmommy said...

Thank you for sharing this with us, Sarah. We are sisters, you & I, and I hurt with you as I read this. I was only 17, and much like you felt so alone. My story is on my blog, too, and I pray to God that it helps others see the devastation that "taking care of it" can cause!

HeathahLee said...

Oh, Sarah Mae, I am in tears reading this! I hope your story changes hearts and saves lives!

Lisa @ Stop and Smell the Chocolates said...

Sorry I couldn't stop by sooner Sara Mae. Thank you SO much for sharing your story. You are so brave to share your experience. I'm sure it must be very difficult to talk about, but it will so helpful and a blessing to many women I am sure.

You are so wonderful - transparent, honest, and bold! That is why I love you and your blog my dear. You are an inspiration!

I am sorry that you had to go through such a painful time and the painful memories that go with it. Praise the Lord for His forgiveness and healing!

Bless you Sarah Mae!

kathysews said...

I am praying that you feel washed by God's loving forgiveness. We have ALL sinned and fallen short, your abortion is no worse or better than my computer idolatry. We are human and we make mistakes and God loves us and forgives us and remembers them no more. God bless you for sharing, and heal your hurts and make you feel his love today.

Tiffany said...

Oh Sarah Mae, what a heart wrenching story. I'm anxious to hear the rest - the part where you find healing and forgiveness.

Tara said...

**tears** I can't say it any better than what's already been said. Wish I could hug you right now. I've got a close friend who had an abortion, and I'll never forget her story...

Katie @ 3 Blondes and a Redhead said...

I cannot imagine how painful this must have been to go through, then to relive it again when telling us the story! Oh sweet friend, I'm so sorry you went through this. I pray that God uses this situation to touch others and obviously for His glory. I can't wait to read the rest.

Proverbs 27:19 said...

"Blest be the tie that binds our hearts..."

smooches,
Larie

Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

Sarah, you are so brave and your heart is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing what had to be the hardest story to ever share. I KNOW that it will touch thousands of lives and I pray God gives it wings to reach those ones that need to hear it the most.

God Bless You and continually give you his peace that passes all understanding!
Love,
Joye

Mel said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Sarah Mae. So hard to write about, but so necessary for someone else who might be dealing with this very issue right now. I envy your courage. You are a blessing.

Sarah said...

Sarah Mae
I am just now reading this. What a remarkable things God has done in your life to allow you to share this story with others. I am so sorry that you went through this. I am so proud of you for turning this tragedy around for God's glory.
Hugs
Sarah

msbits said...

Thank you for this story. I can relate. I am 23 years old, and when I was 17 I found I was pregnant. I contemplated an abortion, and I too was "encouraged" by my family also. I know exactly what you are talking about. The emotions, the darkness, unknown- the rock bottom. When I went in I was too far along, and I thank God everyday. I have a 5 year old and he is the reason I came to Christ.
There are days I think "what if I did do it?" There were days in my son's infancy when I'd ball at the thought. Thank you for this open, fresh and honest account.

Kathy said...

I am so glad 50's housewife gave me a link to you, then I had to read this post! While I have not had an abortion, your experience rings so true to what my friends have told me. The emotionally numb, nervous, hoping to lean on wiser older family members.

Please know that for every person that posts many read and are moved by this story!

Traci~ Ordinary Inspirations for the everyday wife, mommy, and homemaker said...

Wow Sarah! I didn't know this part of your journey. It just comes to show you what God can do in a life.... to change, and heal a hurting-aching heart! Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for living a life that is open and honest, willing to let God use you.

You are a blessing!

Traci

Holly said...

Thank you for sharing your story (I'm gonna read part 2). I, too, have had an abortion. It was 7 yrs ago and I was 19. It was my first child and my husband and I had only been dating for a few months.

http://haasfamilyblessings.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-testimony.html