It was my senior year of college. Tears were pouring down my face as I fell to my knees sobbing, crying out to the Lord, "what is wrong with me?! I am at the bottom and can't go any lower. Please help me." Darkness crept all over my spirit and I was worn down. My eyes were going dim and my bones could barely hold up my flesh. I was in a pit of despair.
"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry..."
I wanted to be a counselor and I needed some experience for my resume. I knew of a little place about two blocks from my apartment that might give me an internship. As I read over their application, one of the questions struck me, "What do you know about abortion?" I thought to myself, "nothing...hmmm...I better get a book on it." Yes, I was that detached. I found a book called Forbidden Grief, The Unspoken Pain Of Abortion and set out to read it so I would be able to write an answer to the application question. I went to a little coffee shop, sat in a cushy chair with my notebook and pen all ready to take notes. That day, however, ink didn't fill the paper, tears did. I came face to face with my hidden pain.
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire..."
I went back to the little place two blocks from my apartment. It just so happened to be a crisis pregnancy clinic. It also just so happened to be a place that had a wonderful, kind, gentle and loving woman who counseled post-abortive women. I told her, "I think the Lord wants me to deal with my abortion." She took me under her wing as we went through the bible study, Forgiven and Set Free. She gave me a safe place to unabashedly experience all of my emotions - denial, anger, depression...(yes, I was a perfect example of the stages of grief). I was able to admit my sin, mourn my loss, and accept forgiveness and grace. I finally felt like my feet were beginning to be planted on something...someone real.
"He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand..."
I can hug women. Ha! I know that sounds funny, but that is one of the ways I was healed. Part of my pain included a mistrust of women and if one tried to hug me, even a friend, I got stiff. I was so walled up. Now, if you ever meet me, please give me a great big hug and I will melt. I am also able to watch pro-life commercials and not leave the room. I can smile when I see little children instead of tear up. I can fully embrace my own children, knowing that it's okay to enjoy them, God isn't going to punish me for my sin of abortion - Jesus Christ already took that punishment for me on the cross. I am free. You know what else? I can tell my story. I am covered in grace and protection...I am loved and forgiven. The shame I once carried lies at the foot of the cross; Satan has no power over me. God is the only one who has the authority to tell me who I am...and I am His.
"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40: 1-3
As a sort of addendum, I want to share a cool thing that God did for me. One of the things I really wanted to know was the sex of my baby so I could name them. The Lord gave me a dream. In my dream a blond haired, bright blue eyed boy about seven or eight years old was hugging me and telling me it was okay. I kept telling him I was sorry, but he just kept saying it was okay and he'd see me again one day. His name was David.
Why I Worship
I worship God because He has freed me from the tight, painful, scarring bounds of sin.
Oh how wicked is my heart!
It sends sin cursing through my veins and finally pouring out of my flesh;
The intent of the thoughts of my heart are evil continually.
Yet, God lifted me out of the pit, out of the mud and mire, fulfilling His desire
to set me free
I should be crushed, but instead, He was.
He got my sin and I got eternal life.
Everyday I battle with sin, the war within;
yet everyday His mercies are new and I can approach the throne of grace
but with confidence...how can it be?
Oh but for the grace of God!
In my failures, my legalism, my complacency,
my weakness, my pride, my foolishness and my fears;
I am an open book before the Lord that’s pages are covered in blood
covering the words and images of my old self.
The paint brush of my soul now dips its bristles in the blood and a new book is written,
one that He breathes life into,
and speaks true.
My soul overflows with gratefulness, humility and joy.
I am awed at His love for me.
What can I offer? Nothing of myself is worthy, so I offer my open hands, my open heart,
and my open mouth that must speak of His glory, that must tell of His story!
My soul bows in worship,
true, unrestrained, vulnerable adoration for my King.
I cannot contain my soul,
If you are in bondage because of a past abortion, you don't have to be. You don't have to live with the shame. You are not alone friend, and you don't have to walk in fear. If you need a safe place to begin, I'm here. But I can only offer so much. There is only one who can offer what your soul needs. Run to Him.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3