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Thursday, April 23, 2009

Part 2 - My Abortion Story - Darkness Into The Light

Read part 1 of my story here

It was my senior year of college. Tears were pouring down my face as I fell to my knees sobbing, crying out to the Lord, "what is wrong with me?! I am at the bottom and can't go any lower. Please help me." Darkness crept all over my spirit and I was worn down. My eyes were going dim and my bones could barely hold up my flesh. I was in a pit of despair.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry..."

I wanted to be a counselor and I needed some experience for my resume. I knew of a little place about two blocks from my apartment that might give me an internship. As I read over their application, one of the questions struck me, "What do you know about abortion?" I thought to myself, "nothing...hmmm...I better get a book on it." Yes, I was that detached. I found a book called Forbidden Grief, The Unspoken Pain Of Abortion and set out to read it so I would be able to write an answer to the application question. I went to a little coffee shop, sat in a cushy chair with my notebook and pen all ready to take notes. That day, however, ink didn't fill the paper, tears did. I came face to face with my hidden pain.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire..."

I went back to the little place two blocks from my apartment. It just so happened to be a crisis pregnancy clinic. It also just so happened to be a place that had a wonderful, kind, gentle and loving woman who counseled post-abortive women. I told her, "I think the Lord wants me to deal with my abortion." She took me under her wing as we went through the bible study, Forgiven and Set Free. She gave me a safe place to unabashedly experience all of my emotions - denial, anger, depression...(yes, I was a perfect example of the stages of grief). I was able to admit my sin, mourn my loss, and accept forgiveness and grace. I finally felt like my feet were beginning to be planted on something...someone real.

"He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand..."

I can hug women. Ha! I know that sounds funny, but that is one of the ways I was healed. Part of my pain included a mistrust of women and if one tried to hug me, even a friend, I got stiff. I was so walled up. Now, if you ever meet me, please give me a great big hug and I will melt. I am also able to watch pro-life commercials and not leave the room. I can smile when I see little children instead of tear up. I can fully embrace my own children, knowing that it's okay to enjoy them, God isn't going to punish me for my sin of abortion - Jesus Christ already took that punishment for me on the cross. I am free. You know what else? I can tell my story. I am covered in grace and protection...I am loved and forgiven. The shame I once carried lies at the foot of the cross; Satan has no power over me. God is the only one who has the authority to tell me who I am...and I am His.

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD." Psalm 40: 1-3

As a sort of addendum, I want to share a cool thing that God did for me. One of the things I really wanted to know was the sex of my baby so I could name them. The Lord gave me a dream. In my dream a blond haired, bright blue eyed boy about seven or eight years old was hugging me and telling me it was okay. I kept telling him I was sorry, but he just kept saying it was okay and he'd see me again one day. His name was David.

Why I Worship

I worship God because He has freed me from the tight, painful, scarring bounds of sin.
Oh how wicked is my heart!
It sends sin cursing through my veins and finally pouring out of my flesh;
The intent of the thoughts of my heart are evil continually.
Yet, God lifted me out of the pit, out of the mud and mire, fulfilling His desire
to set me free
I should be crushed, but instead, He was.
He got my sin and I got eternal life.
Everyday I battle with sin, the war within;
yet everyday His mercies are new and I can approach the throne of grace
without disgrace
but with confidence...how can it be?
Oh but for the grace of God!
In my failures, my legalism, my complacency,
my weakness, my pride, my foolishness and my fears;
I am an open book before the Lord that’s pages are covered in blood
covering the words and images of my old self.
The paint brush of my soul now dips its bristles in the blood and a new book is written,
one that He breathes life into,
guides through,
and speaks true.
My soul overflows with gratefulness, humility and joy.
I am awed at His love for me.
What can I offer? Nothing of myself is worthy, so I offer my open hands, my open heart,
and my open mouth that must speak of His glory, that must tell of His story!
My soul bows in worship,
true, unrestrained, vulnerable adoration for my King.
I cannot contain my soul,
for it,

If you are in bondage because of a past abortion, you don't have to be. You don't have to live with the shame. You are not alone friend, and you don't have to walk in fear. If you need a safe place to begin, I'm here. But I can only offer so much. There is only one who can offer what your soul needs. Run to Him.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3


Composing Hallelujahs said...

girl, you need a kleenex warning on this one!
your story of healing is such an inspiration and perfect example for any kind of past hurt we may have experienced. thank you, thank you for sharing!

SuperAngel said...

awww! what a amazing testimony to the healing of our Lord! Thank you thank you for sharing this!
All I can say is AMEN! He is truly a God of restoration and healing!

I am very glad and blessed that God showed you that dream. What a merciful God He is!
The Daily Planet

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

Wow...so powerful and touching. It is awesome that you can share your story and reach out to help other women.
God Bless You!

christinnjon said...

(((hugs))) God is amazing isn't He? You shine brightly Sarah Mae. He's using you (in a good way) to bring glory to Himself.

Muthering Heights said...

You have such an amazing story! It's very inspirational!

Kelly's Ideas said...

You made me cry.. Thank you for sharing your testimony.


Kendra Lee said...

Praise the LORD for His grace and healing!! That He lifts up out of the miry clay - whatever that looks like for each one of us. Thank you for sharing!!

Joye @ The Joyeful Journey said...

WHAT a testimony!!

Rafter's-n-Henderson said...

I wish I was there with you to give you a hug. It is hard to understand our place in this world and let alone realize that is God's love alone that we need. He in time places us where we should be and let's the rest happen. You are so brave. So beautiful and so wise for your experiences. You have soooo much love to share and I am glad to read your words. I am glad to share in your stories and I am hugging you across the way. Much love to you. Jaime

Linda C said...

Just an amazing story...what a testimony you have-- the pure Gospel.

Are you the author of Why I Worship?
That is so beautifully written.

May I copy it with your name as author and put it in my Bible to read over and over? It is such a clear picture of all of our sin and how God has dealt with us...

I am so glad that God showed you that dream---precious.

Thanks so much,

Linda C

Heather said...

Thank you for your courage to allow God to minister through your story.

Stonefox said...

I found you on ProBlogger forum and since its been a week since you posted your thread, I decided to come over here to comment instead!

I'm a Jesus follower and mommy blogger too. After today's tip (find a blog buddy), I got especially excited to see what was happening in the forums and to see your thread. Your blog is real and encouraging and hopefully you will be encouraged by mine too!

Emily B said...

Goosebumps all over! Isn't God amazing?

Debbie said...

I would love to hug you and tell you "thank you" for sharing your heart. There is someone out there that needed to hear this today. Keep telling your story and what God's amazing love has done for you. Thank you!
God is so Good!

Jen@Balancing Beauty and Bedlam said...

You are an amazing testimony to all that the Lord has in store for us when we avail ourselves to Him...thanks for sharing, and ministering to many.

HeathahLee said...

Frank Peretti wrote a little book called "Tilly" several years ago, and you just rewrote it with your life story. God will (and I'm sure already has!) use you mightily with your story, Sarah Mae! I'm crying AGAIN! Thank you again for sharing that much of yourself with us. I hope I get to meet you in real life one day. That is, down here. : )

southeastcountrywife said...

i'm a lurker...can't even remember how i found you!...but i admire your courage in sharing your story. i am positive that God will use you in huge ways by readers of this blog that you may never even know. i have been amazed at how he has used my (very different) story in the lives of others. it's so encouraging and just reading this i can see how it would be a huge help to others who have walked the path but keep it bottled up. blessings to you!

katy said...

Thanks for sharing that. My heart goes out to you. We are all guilty before God for so many sins. God's love and mercy is amazing to all of us. Your testimony reminds me of that.

Lori said...

Thank you for sharing this personal series with us. My heart goes out to you, and I think to myself... this could have been me. I could have gotten pregnant before I was married, and I could have made the same decision. God bless you!

Bonita said...

Sarah Mae, what an amazing story of God's healing grace. I rejoice with you at being totally free. This story is exactly why Jesus died- to set us free completely. And now I guarantee you're helping Him set others free by sharing your testimony.

That dream was awesome! Gave me cold chills (in a good way).

Thanks so much for including my blog in your sidebar!

The Real Me! said...

Oh girlfriend, God is so good and He's so faithful. I love your heart my friend and I know this story is going to be used greatly!

Suz said...

Hallelujah! God is good!

Keep sharing your story... post in on the front page for all to see. Be an inspiration to set others free and help those struggling with what to do to make the right decision.

God allowed you to experience lemons, so you could make lemonade. So many times we have to hurt, to go through what we think only others go through so that we can be his instrument!

Bless you!

Sarah said...

David--a beautiful name. I will remember your story.

Anna Claire is doing wonderfully--growing and changing everyday!

Sarah Mae said...

Linda C. - yes, I wrote that poem. I love reading it out loud! It's all yours! :)

Pajama Mama said...


Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

May this message be a blessing to anyone who needs it. Our God is an awesome God.

Amanda Jo said...


....I'm speechless, Sarah Mae, I really am.

I love you and this blog - but most of all the Lord for His Grace and Mercy!

Kristin said...

Wow....really...just, wow.

Do you mind if I post that poem on my site and use it to send people over here?

Buildeth Her House said...

You can tell the Lord has done a great work in you!! His courage has risen up and wiped away all shame from your life, that's how I know. Shame and fear is of the devil. You have such a beautiful spirit and I love how the Lord is using you.

Melissa Cummings said...

God bless you for blessing others, and for opening my eyes to a journey like this. Hallelujah, Amen, for the LORD is King! He binds up our wounds. I praise Him for you.

Donna@WayMoreHomemade said...

I tell ya, I'm glad that I'm having allergy issues right now and that red puffy eyes and a runny nose from tearing up can be easily disguised (I'm at work).

I am truly touched that you shared your story. And what a story of final victory.


Morgan said...

Friend & Sister in Christ - I don't know you, but one day I will. You have a kind, warming, godly and loving spirit. God will forever love you, bless you, heal you and hold you dear!!! I had tears reading your story!
Thank you, Morgan Newman

Melissa said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so touched by what you wrote. Your dream. Wow. God is good.
I'm off to find some tissues now! =)

Bible Money Matters said...

Wow, amazing heart-rending story. I wasn't expecting to be tearing up in my office this morning during my coffee break. Very touching, I wish more pregnant single mothers could hear your story before going through with their own abortions.

His Honeybee said...

Your posts leave me SPEECHLESS.
And, if you ask my husband, THAT'S really something!!!

You bless me,

Melissa said...

Once again, thank you for sharing your amazing journey of healing. We serve an amazing God!

Sarah said...

So beautifully written, and thank you again for sharing your story!

heidi jo said...

oh my goodness... how beautiful indeed...oh for grace... thank you for being brave enough to love others through your healing. :)

Michelle said...

I'm over from WFMW.What a blessing to read your story today. thank you for having the courage to share it!

Dyan said...

So beautiful - thank you for sharing yourself with us Sarah! God is good!

Friend Chick said...

Thank you again for sharing your heart so candidly. This will definitely be a story that I remember, no only the beginning, but the end, where you were healed and restored.

Thank you.

Pam said...

Wow what a amazing story. Thank you for pouring your heart out for us. I just know this will help so many women that might be dealing with this. God is awesome in his healing. God Bless you!

"MissMelissa" said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story.


Anonymous said...

You are forgiven, but I agree with the doctor. How many women use the killing of innocent babies as a birth-control method? How many of them have two, three, four abortions? Fools, all of them, whether it hurts to hear or not.

Sarah Mae said...

Anonymous - My point about the doctor was that he is the fool because he continues to perform abortions. He himself is a fool for making the "mistake" of killing babies over and over again.

I agree that using abortions for BC is foolish (and wicked) but I also know that many times women get themselves into a vicious cycle - they are a mess. They need us...they need Jesus.

Katy Lin :) said...

thank you so much for sharing your pain and your healing with us Sarah Mae - you are definitely an inspiration to me, and i am sure countless others as well!

Tiffany said...

Such a beautiful picture of forgiveness and being forgiven. Thank you for sharing your story.

Linda said...

I've been trying to hold back tears, and it's been working quite well, up until that last paragraph where you describe the dream of the little boy....

Now I'm in need of some make-up remover ;)

What a story.. and thanks so much for sharing it with us! God is good!

Greetings from the netherlands :)

LivingforGod said...

Wow...what a beautiful testimony to our Lord's mercy and grace!!! Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Your story will greatly help those who have shared the same kind of pain/heartache and those who may consider having an abortion. I love your poem and your heart!

My 15 year old daughter has a passion for saving the unborn; she has been participating in Steps for Life (fund-raising event for the Pregnancy Resource Centers) for the past 10 years. You can find her fund-raising webpage at http://www.gifttool.com/athon/MyFundraisingPage?ID=1383&AID=664&PID=67535 .

Shelby said...

Beautifully written! Thanks for sharing so candidly!

{ jamie } said...

I hadn't read this post before, but thanks SO much for sharing! Yesterday I participated in something called Walk for Life to benefit a local crisis pregnancy center(see my post about it here. They offer post-abortion Bible study/support groups that sound like the one you were in. There is a little rose garden there where women can put a little plaque to their baby as part of their healing.
God bless you for sharing your story to help and inspire others. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I am 55 years old thank you for writing this now I know that jesus can heal that pian and shame guilt that I have lived with since 1973

Joy said...

What an incredible story. Thank you for bravely sharing.

Anonymous said...

I read your story and kept thinking "I could have written this." Almost the same exact situation with me, also 16 at the time I was forced (by my family) to abort my child - same feelings, same shame, all of the same emotions that you wrote about. I am now 40 and still mourn my first baby. Thank you for sharing and showing that we can be redeemed and set free through Christ alone.

eLisa said...

Sarahmae, this is a wonderful testimony and truly evidence that God has redeemed the years the locust have eaten. Thank you for sharing and proclaiming the power of Christ, through the forgiveness found in the cross, to heal and become whole.

Cassandra said...

Wow, that is an awesome testimony. I can relate to the things you went through and being set free. Praise the Lord for you and sharing your story. Hugs to you. :o)

Courtney said...

thanks for sharing that was amazing


Being someone who tried for over 10 tears to conceive with my husband with no luck and many losses,whom was blessed with a child through adoption ,I am very much pro~life.
That being said ,I do not judge you.Your story made me cry realizing God is so good and does forgive.Sometimes it is harder to forgive ourself for our sins,I am meaning me mainly. I am so glad God gave you peace.
I am always reminded of when Jesus in the bible ,they brought the adultress to him wanting her to be stoned and he said those of you without sin cast the first stone,(not word for word).We all sin,we are human.If it wasn't for God's grace and mercy we would be lost.Sin is sin.
I hope to adopt again soon.I just pray there is someone out there that isn't being pressured into abortion and chooses life.Adoption is a wonderful and amazing thing.
Hugs to you for your loss.

titus2woman said...

Totally in tears here and in awe of your courage. *THANK YOU!* for being so strong and so open. I just don't have any more words to express all of the emotions I'm feeling~just I appreciate you.... (((((HUGS))))) sandi

BeLoVedAiMeE said...

God is so good. Glory to Him for all that He has delivered us through and from. What a great testimony...and yes I cried. Twice.

Kelly @ Wisdom Begun said...

I am sure that I am not the only one who cried during this. Our heavenly Father is absolutely amazing in bestowing His grace on us, the undeserved.

There is not a one of us who does not need His grace. Not one of us is better than the other.

Thank you for this. I was blessed by your sharing of this.

Anne said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Momma Bird said...

What a beautiful story God has been writing in your life! His light shines brightly through you, and I THANK YOU for your courage to share such a difficult part of your past. Keep shining!

The Momma Bird said...

Okay, and I just realized that I commented on "Part 1" of your story some time ago...TOO FUNNY!! Can you tell your testimony moves me, EACH time I read it!?! :D

Pattie said...

Beautiful story of love and forgiveness. Thank you for your openness. (and I agree, there needs to be a kleenex warning! *smile*)

Anonymous said...

I recently learned that my husband had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and paid for the abortion when they were teens...and before he became saved.
We've been married for 32 years...I just found out.

It really hurt to know I wasn't the first woman to tell him I was pregnant...I knew I wasn't the first woman he had sex with, but I thought I had the other priviledge. He was very withdrawn about my pregnancies, even though we as Christians wanted children. Now I understand why...
He said he didn't tell me because it was a sin that had already been forgiven. Yes...forgiven, but there were consequences that I had to live with. And I was a virgin when I married..
I've never seen any wife talk about this...yet for every woman who admits an abortion there was a guy..and he may have a wife who doesn't know.

Paula said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that people whom you trusted gave you such terrible counsel. It's clear that your strength comes from Jesus - praise God!

Holly said...

I can certainly connect with your story. I was in denial for 5 years after my aboriton. I tried to pretend like it never happened but all that came crashing down on me after the birth of my daughter. I finally had to face what I had done. It took me to a pit I had never known. I am thankful that God answered my cry to Him and that I sought counseling at my local women's center. I also went through the bible study Forgiven & Set Free. And I have been.

Thank you for sharing your story. It does help to know that I am not alone in sharing my story.

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